Reflections
by maxandkiz
Summary: Sam's thoughts after an argument with Dean. Set in early Season 8.


Disclaimer: Supernatural and all its characters belong to Kripke and the CW. I own nothing.

AN- Three quick things: 1) I haven't seen Season 8. I'm just going by what I've read on various forums and sites. 2) The writers and EP's crappy 'I wonder what would happen if' SL aside, any fan who believes for one minute that either boy wouldn't move Heaven and Earth to find his brother hasn't been watching the same show I have for 7 seasons.

And 3) If you've ever lost someone really close to you, you know there are some things you just can't handle for a while because it was something your loved one loved. Whether it's a favorite activity, holiday, song, etc., a lot of us just can't do it or listen to it because of the memories it brings up. I've seen a lot of stories where John and the boys don't celebrate Christmas that first time after Mary's death because of John's feelings.

SPN

Sam Winchester dropped onto the end of the grungy motel comforter with a sigh. Raking a hand through his hair, he gazed forlornly at the bed a few feet from his own. The open duffle with clothes spilling out of it was proof that he wasn't alone anymore; that his big brother was back. Well at least Dean was with him again. The protective older brother had yet to make an appearance. And Sam really missed him.

Don't get him wrong. The youngest Winchester knew his brother was hurt that Sam hadn't looked for him and he didn't begrudge him that. Sam would be hurt too if the situation was reversed. But he had honestly thought that Dean was dead. Crowley had hinted at it in the warehouse and the bits and pieces of clothing and other things he'd just as soon not think about had backed the demon's words up. Sam lightly fingered the tiny bit of black leather buried deep in his pocket. Even with all the evidence he had been sure the little prick was lying though. He'd refused to believe Dean was gone. His first thought had been that Dean was in Purgatory. After all it made sense. So the hunter had gone straight for Bobby's books. What he found had thrown him for a loop. Bobby's collection had been decimated. Tons of books were missing. Only a handful of hiding places hadn't been touched and while it was discouraging, Sam wasn't about to let that stop him. He'd scoured every book that was left. All the ancient tomes had said the same thing though; that anyone standing too close would be destroyed. It had taken him four times of reading the different chapters before it had finally sunk in that his big brother was gone and this time there'd be no coming back.

Sam's grip on the smooth leather tightened. He took several deep breaths as he willed the tears out of his eyes. Pushing the horrible memories to the back of his mind, the youngest Winchester glanced at his brother's duffle. Dean was alive and he was here with Sam. There was no reason to cry.

Once he'd gotten his emotions under control, Sam switched his thoughts to other matters. While he did understand Dean's anger about Sam not searching for him, there was something that really bothered him. And that was his brother yelling about him stopping hunting. Sam had thought that of all people Dean would be the one to understand his reasoning for that. After all, the eldest Winchester had done the same thing when Sam had jumped into the cage. Granted Sam had made him promise to go have a normal life with Lisa. But still, his big brother should understand that it hurt too much to hunt. It was too big a reminder of everything and everyone he'd lost. Every part from researching to planning to the hunt itself brought up memory after memory of happier times with Dean and Bobby and even John. And Sam was all alone; there was nobody to pull him out of those memories or to talk him through it when things got to be too much. Dean should understand how it feels since he'd had to deal with those same memories when Sam was Lucifer's play toy. But then again, his brother hadn't really been alone. Dean had had Bobby to turn to as well as Cas when the angel saw fit to check in. Maybe that's why his sibling was having such a hard time seeing Sam's point of view. He'd had a family member and a friend to turn to and talk things out with. He'd never been truly alone in the world.

Pulling his treasure out of his pocket, Sam held it close to his heart as he wiped his eyes and tried to reign in his emotions once more. He had his brother back; he wasn't alone anymore. And he and Dean would work things out eventually. They always did. Maybe he could…the slam of the door pulled Sam out of his thoughts. Glancing over, he found Dean standing about a foot away staring intently at him. "H-hey Dean" Sam stammered as he discretely swiped at his eyes.

Dean's gaze never wavered; it was locked onto the cloth fragment in his little brother's hand. "Sam, what's that?"


End file.
